Major FAIL!

Yep, I am going to have a major fail on my hands soon.

I am going to FAIL my English class this semester. I thought I could do it at the beginning of the semester, so I stayed in the class (when I should have dropped it and picked another class). But now that the semester is winding down I know that I'm going to fail.

No doubt in my mind about it. I just can't write a 10 page paper on something I don't understand. I do not understand Transcendentalist Literature, so I cannot write about it. Especially not 10 pages worth! This paper is 55% of my total grade....so you can see why I say that I'm going to fail.

This will be the first time I have EVER, IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, failed a class. *sigh*

Oh, well. I gave it a shot. It's not my fault I'm not an English major taking a graduate course. (BTW, this class I'm going to fail is a mix class....it is a graduate/undergrad class and the instructor teaches it and assigns stuff geared to the graduate students...not the undergrads....I'm an undergrad.)

When it rains, it pours

Well, if you read my last post, you know that I'm having to deal with ex drama right now. Not fun at all.

And now on top of all of that, it looks like Brilliant B. is getting laid off from his job. Work is EXTREMELY slow lately and right now, they don't even have enough work for one body man, let alone 3. He is still talking to the bosses (who happen to be his step-mom and grandfather) to see what can be worked out, but it really looks like he will be laid off. (in my opinion, I think the other two body men should be laid off. Neither of them have a baby on the way and children at home.) We will see what happens. The only upside would be that B. would be able to draw unemployment, meaning at least some income.

Just what we need. More rain.

I don't need this stress right now. Not at all.

Ranting Mad

So, this is the deal, my ex has been calling EVERY DAY to talk to the kids. Normally this would not bug me, but the kids are not always available to talk, and I'm not always at home with the kids (I only have a cell...no home phone and won't give him my husband's cell number). I have class 2 nights a week and on those days I usually only get to say hi and bye to the kids on my way out the door.

Tonight, I tell him that the kids will not be available to talk every day and that it is inconvenient for him to call repeatedly on the days he KNOWS I'm in class. So the asshole hangs up on me. So I text him and say that if he wants to be more involved with the kids' life, then he knows what he needs to do (clean up and take his drug tests to get his visitation back...he has no visitation now because he refuses to do the tests).

He goes into this long rant, cussing me out, telling me that he's going to take it back to court and get everything changed and that he'll probably end up with the kids because I'm not following the order and allowing him daily phone calls at 7 pm. First off, our order says he is allowed REASONABLE telephone calls....not daily phone calls at 7 pm (that was the temporary order almost 3 years ago, we now have a permanent order that is different). And I do allow him to talk to the kids, when they are available. It's not like I don't let him talk to them. I never have refused to let them talk to him.

Second, I have followed the court papers to the letter, while he has refused to follow them the entire time we've been divorced. We have been divorced for almost 5 years now and he has not once followed the judge-approved court order.

I really do not want to go back to court, because frankly I've done nothing wrong. And I don't want to spend MORE money on a lawyer because he gets pissed he didn't get his way. I've already spent over $15,000 on this crap. I know that if we go back to court, the judge will chew him out and throw the case out, but that is just more stress on me and more money that we just don't have right now.

Will he ever grow up and realize that he is WAY in the wrong here? Or do I have to keep dealing with this shit for another 12 years (12 years because it is 12 years until Little J. turns 18....AND 12 years until I can tell the ex where I would like him to go)?

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Trudy over at Third Time's a Charm does this most weeks and I thought today would be a good day to jump right on in and give it a whirl.

I'm really beginning to think that I need to start drinking water. I say this not because it is good for you, your body needs it, blah, blah, blah. I say this because there has to be something in it. Pregnant women are popping up EVERYWHERE and it is just driving me INSANE! There just HAS to be something in the water! Don't get me wrong....I am THRILLED for them....but it just serves as a reminder of what we have been having a difficult time achieving.

On the same note...I would have been due in mere weeks....next month to be exact...if I had not had the miscarriage in June. I know when that date comes up, it is going to be a difficult one to deal with. I can only hope that I get some good news before that, because believe it or not....I will (if we get pregnant this month) be 6 weeks along on the original due date. 6 weeks is when I get an ultrasound when pregnant because of my higher risk of tubal pregnancy. I have a good feeling. I really do. But I am also at peace with it if it doesn't happen this month.

I really do not like homeschooling Big J. NOT.AT.ALL. He's a complainer. Big time. He doesn't want to do homeschooling, but will not come to the conclusion that this was not our CHOICE...it was what we had to do because of HIS actions. No matter how many times we tell him that he HAS to do this and it is his own damn fault. We regularly get into fights that usually go like this: I tell him that he needs to read the work and really try to learn it, he tells me he is, I tell him that his quiz grades are showing he is not, he gets all defensive saying I can't read his mind...I don't know what he's learning or not, I tell him to not pull that AGAIN, he stands tall (trying to make himself bigger than me) and tries to intimidate me physically to back off, I tell him to cut his shit...yell a little bit back and forth, he goes to his room and calms down, comes out and apologizes for trying to intimidate me (which NEVER works) and we talk about strategies to help him do better.........which is what I started off trying to do. That is why I don't like homeschooling him. This happens once or twice a WEEK!

I'm cold.

I need a shower but am being lazy because I have the house completely to myself.

I just got my books for 2 of my classes and am shitting bricks at the size of the novels I have to read for my English class. I have 8 novels....some are close to 900 pages long. I can only hope that we are just reading parts of these books and not the whole things.

I've been clearing out our DVR for the past weeks and a half. By clearing out, I mean watching what we have recorded and then deleting it. It has been fun! But that time is coming to an end soon. My classes start in one week. One week!

I really should have been giving my house a deep cleaning over my Christmas break (which was 5 weeks long!), but I decided that my time was better spent with my children while they were home on their break, and by doing really nothing else. No deep cleaning. No reading all the books I was putting off until break. I did read one book, but I finished that in one day. Do I feel like I've wasted my time? NO. I needed this down time. I needed time to do nothing at all. Well, at least nothing productive. Unless you count clearing out the DVR productive.

I think that is all for now. Time for a shower and some more DVR'd shows!

Another update on Big J.

We had our meeting before the school board yesterday and it went as we expected (maybe even a little better).  

Big J. will be suspended for the remainder of the 2009-2010 school year (instead of the 365 days we originally thought he was going to get) and will be able, if we feel he is ready, to begin public school again next year.  They recommended a credit recovery program that they have at one of the high schools here and we think that we will be taking advantage of that FREE program.  The classes for the credit recovery are from 3:30-5:00 every week day and are a self-paced computer-based program.  We will also be doing online high school homeschooling (does that make sense?) for some of his classes.  We will be doing the homeschooling on top of the credit recovery because he will need something to do during the day and it will ensure that he ends up with his full 6 classes needed to move up to a sophomore next year.

Big J.'s counselor is recommending that he has complete social isolation right now since he has shown repeatedly that he cannot act in a "normal" way in social situations away from us.  We agree.  We will eventually be getting him into some programs for social interaction, but that is in the future and it dependent on him.  We are looking into Boy Scouts, church youth groups and some other things around our area for kids his age.  Trying to find groups that will have a positive influence on him and maybe help him see that you don't have to be part of the "bad crowd" to have fun.

We still have not heard from the fire marshall about the fireworks stuff.  Don't know if we will.  That could have been just a scare tactic to scare Big J. into thinking he not only messed up his life, but his father's as well.  The PO (parole officer) told us that B. most likely will not get cited for anything since Big J. was already cited for it and that would constitute a sort of double jeopardy thing.  But we are just waiting.  We don't want to get too comfortable and then BAM! something blind-side us that we had dismissed as not going to happen.

Oh, and Big J. will be going tomorrow to do some community service with his life skills counselor.  He will be helping at a community fair.  He is going to be helping his counselor teach others how to juggle.  We are hoping this is going to be a positive experience for him and that he may just have a little fun while he is at it!

Well, that is an update on Big J. and all the mess surrounding him now.

***Hoping to have another update soon...non-Big J. related of course***

An update on Big J.

***I would like to apologize  in advance about the language of this post.  I am still just a teensy-bit pissed about this whole situation.***

Well, we had the meeting on Friday morning with the probation officer and it went well.  Big J. got cut a HUGE break.  He will just have to continue his counseling and has to go to a group counseling session for teens with drug and other legal issues.  The PO and his counselor thought it would be good for him to see other kids that have gone down the same road he is going down but just kept going and got in deeper legal trouble.  They are hoping that he can learn from his own mistakes as well as the other kids mistakes.  He is also getting a more in-depth evaluation by a psychiatrist (or psychologist...can't remember which one the doctor is) to see if there is maybe something else going on that we don't know about.  Once that is done we will know if he will need to go in for a full-blown psych evaluation to test for unknown mental disorders (if you knew his mother you would know that this is not entirely too far fetched...she is a walking mental disorder).  We are just doing all we can to try and help him and if this ends up being something out of his control, then we will help him to get it under control in any way necessary.

We received the letter we were waiting on from the school that gave us a day and time we have to meet with the school board.  We will be going on Thursday afternoon to find out what will happen school-wise with Big J.  We are not holding out hope that they will let him go back to school this year.  The PO told us that usually when they send a letter like we got, they have already made up their mind and the potential suspension is what they will decide on anyway.  So it looks like Big J. will be out of school for the next year and will repeat 9th grade next year.

That also means that I now have to quit my job so that I can stay home with him every-single-damn-day.  This is going to be a trying year and I really hope he makes it out alive and I make it out with my sanity.  I was really looking forward to working this year and being able to work when I wanted to and not when I didn't.....BUT now I don't get that option.  I am really not happy about this.  Not. Happy. At. All.

We still don't know if B. will be cited for anything yet.  We are praying he won't be.  After all, he did not do this and sure as hell didn't encourage it.  The PO seemed to think that they will not pursue B. in this matter that it was just a scare tactic to make Big J. think that he was fucking up someone else's life along with his own.  Which he is.  Which he will be reminded of often.

Now, that might sound mean and really fucked up, but let me tell you--this kid thinks only of himself and it is high time that he realizes that what he does effects more than just himself....that it effects those around him and those that care the most about him.  It is time he starts growing up and getting out of the childish, self-centered way of thinking.  He is not a kid anymore...he is a young man and it is time he started acting like it.  

Oh, and I think that by the time he goes back to school he just may hate me, but he will be the model of good and polite behavior.  I am determined to turn this kid around.  Whatever it takes.  Even if I have to turn into a wicked step-mother from hell.  He will change.

That is where we stand for now.  I will update when we know anything new.

And THANK YOU all for all your prayers!  They help BIG TIME!!

My heart is hurting

I am asking that you say some prayers for my family right now. Big J. messed up REALLY REALLY bad and the consequences are not just his now.

Today, in his 1st period class, Big J. lit a firework (one of those red fire cracker ones) in the middle of class. The security guards hauled him down to the office and did a search on him and he had marijuana in his shoe. The cops were called, he got smart with the officer and the officer put him in handcuffs. B. went down there (I was in class at the time). Big J. was VERY close to going to jail today, he might end up there soon. He is suspended for 10 days right now and we will have a hearing before the school board soon to find out if he will be suspended for 365 days or expelled for a year. If he is just suspended for the next year, we can try to get him into a school near here, but if he is expelled, he cannot go to school ANYWHERE in New Mexico. We have to go go juvenile court in the morning to find out what they are going to do to him for the firework incident and the drugs. We are going to make sure that he will be facing whatever they throw at him and are not going to fight it or try to make excuses for him. We are done standing up for him and defending him. Time for him to face the consequences for his actions.

B. is facing the chance of jail time because of the firework. They are saying because it is considered an illegal firework that it is a felony so therefore, since Big J. is a minor, the consequence falls to his father for the possession of the firework. We will not know if there will be any charges against B. until Monday when the Fire Marshall is back in town and at work. B. is looking at a fine of up to $1000 and up to a year in prison. All because Big J. thought it would be funny to set off a firework in class. And this was just a firework that we had put up that was left over from the 4th. We never in a million years thought he would get into them and take them to school. We had them put up. We THOUGHT he didn't know where they were. We were wrong. This is having a major ripple effect in our lives. If B. is convicted of this felony, he cannot teach EVER. He is working towards a degree in Education and with a felony of this sort, he can never teach. If he is convicted of this, his dreams of his future career are gone forever. 

We are at a loss right now. We don't know what to do. We don't know where we went wrong and why Big J. is doing all that he is doing. I am terrified that my husband is going to be going to prison and I will have to be alone for a year. I am terrified that we will end up getting all of the kids taken from us. I am scared out of my mind that my ex-husband will find out about this and try to use this to take my 2 kids away from me. I am sick just thinking about losing my family. 

We know for sure that he will not be going back to live with his mother. She already told B. today that Big J. cannot go back to living with her. We will be waiting to find out what is going on tomorrow and then going from there. Probably going to be looking into some alternative schools for kids with problems that he can go to. I cannot deal with him everyday. I cannot do homeschooling with him the way he has been lately. I just can't do it. I feel like a horrible person because of that, but I just simply cannot do it.

We love him so much but at the same time are so disappointed, frustrated, heart-broken, and flat out pissed off. 

Please just pray for us. Pray that he will finally learn from his mistakes and turn his life around. Pray that B. does not end up in jail over this. Pray that our family can make it through this intact.

I guess I know now why we have been unsuccessful in getting pregnant. I don't think I could deal with this while pregnant without adverse affects on the baby or myself. This is just too much stress.

This is just cruel

As you know I took a pregnancy test last Wednesday that came up positive.  I posted the crappy pic that did no justice to the second line.  I know it was positive.  I am certain of that fact.

Well, I took a test yesterday........negative.  

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?

And today the ugly witch showed her face.  

I don't know what is going on.  The only thing that I do know is that I am done taking tests.  Just done.  I WILL NOT get my hopes up again like this.  I can't do it.  I can't take the let down.  I can't take the loss.  I do not know if I was even really pregnant this month.  No way to really tell now.  I felt pregnant.  I felt like I did last month.  Even had started to puke some from morning sickness.

I am really feeling defeated right now.  I feel like I have been through enough bullshit in my life that I deserve to have the one thing I want....a baby.  But that seems to be the one thing that keeps slipping through our hands.  It seems like there is some cruel joke being played at our expense.  We get pregnant and it gets taken away.  I don't get it.

I would rather that we NOT get pregnant than to get pregnant and lose the baby.  Period.  

Well, me and hubby have decided that we are going to take this month off from trying to conceive and see if that helps out with a baby sticking around long enough to meet us face to face.  I am going to make it easy for us to NOT try and schedule my colposcopy right before my estimated ovulation date, since you cannot "baby dance" for a week after you have one.  That will make it easier to NOT try.  To not be tempted to just go ahead and try.

Well, now you know why this is just cruel.

Bad day...I have a stalker....

You read that right...I have a stalker.  No joke.  Here is what has happened:

Hubby found a bag FULL of love notes to me from the guy across the street (he lives in a camper in the driveway of the neighbors house, he's their brother). AND let me tell you this is CREEPY beyond belief. He always tries to talk to me (I ignore), told me several times that he is in love with me, told MY KIDS that he is in love with me, and now this grocery bag full of love notes. 

I called the neighbor and had her come over and showed her all of it and talked to her, she called her husband (it's his brother) and he came straight home, catching his brother on the side of the road on the way and told him not to come back EVER. 

Oh, and this guy is a sex offender I found out. 

I am going to be contacting the police as soon as Hubby gets home and pressing some sort of charges on this guy. I cannot have this kind of stuff going on, especially with my kids around. I have been dealing with this crap for months from this guy. I quit spending any time in my front yard (which has the only tree----and only shade) because of this guy and his crap. I thought if I ignored him and avoided unnecessary contact that it would stop....but nope...it has gotten worse.

OMG. I am just so done with today. If this hadn't have happened to me I would have thought that a story like this just doesn't happen. Seems so unbelievable. Here is pics of the bag of letters and one of the letters. You will see what I mean about CREEPY.

And trust me when I say that the letters get worse than the one you see here. I only read a few before I got physically sick to my stomach.