This is just cruel

As you know I took a pregnancy test last Wednesday that came up positive.  I posted the crappy pic that did no justice to the second line.  I know it was positive.  I am certain of that fact.

Well, I took a test yesterday........negative.  

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?

And today the ugly witch showed her face.  

I don't know what is going on.  The only thing that I do know is that I am done taking tests.  Just done.  I WILL NOT get my hopes up again like this.  I can't do it.  I can't take the let down.  I can't take the loss.  I do not know if I was even really pregnant this month.  No way to really tell now.  I felt pregnant.  I felt like I did last month.  Even had started to puke some from morning sickness.

I am really feeling defeated right now.  I feel like I have been through enough bullshit in my life that I deserve to have the one thing I want....a baby.  But that seems to be the one thing that keeps slipping through our hands.  It seems like there is some cruel joke being played at our expense.  We get pregnant and it gets taken away.  I don't get it.

I would rather that we NOT get pregnant than to get pregnant and lose the baby.  Period.  

Well, me and hubby have decided that we are going to take this month off from trying to conceive and see if that helps out with a baby sticking around long enough to meet us face to face.  I am going to make it easy for us to NOT try and schedule my colposcopy right before my estimated ovulation date, since you cannot "baby dance" for a week after you have one.  That will make it easier to NOT try.  To not be tempted to just go ahead and try.

Well, now you know why this is just cruel.