Saturday, February 7, 2009

Fears, Worries, and Excitement

As my tubal reversal surgery approaches I find myself torn by several conflicting emotions.  I fluctuate between excitement, fear and worry.

The first, and best, is excitement.  I am beyond ecstatic that in 46 days I will be a whole woman again and will be able to start trying to conceive a child with my husband.  I have felt for a while that our family is just not complete.  That there is someone missing from our home and our hearts.  I look forward to the day I pee on a stick and get a BIG FAT POSITIVE!!  I cannot wait until I can see the look on my dear husband's face when I get to tell him "We're pregnant!!!"  I cannot stand the anticipation of being able to tell my kids "You are going to have a new brother or sister (or one of each...hehehe)" and see the reaction they have because they want this almost as much as my husband and I do!  Way down on the list of excitement is being able to spend a WHOLE WEEK with my husband.  No kids.  No work.  No school. Just us.

The next feeling is worry.  Lately, this emotional response to surgery has been creeping into my life.  I am not usually the worrying type, but because there is so much riding on this surgery, I have been a worrying fool.  I worry that something will go wrong and we won't even make it to Tennessee.  I worry that we will get to Tennessee and for some reason the surgery will be canceled.  I worry that we will get to Tennessee, get into surgery and the doctor closes me up and tells me after I come to that my tubes were too damaged to repair and that I have no hope for getting them put back together.  I worry that after we get the surgery and start trying to conceive that we will be unsuccessful and I will never bear a child again.  I worry that I will get pregnant and it will be an ectopic pregnancy and have to deal with all the complications a worry that come with that.  I worry that I will be pregnant, it will not be ectopic and I will have a miscarriage.  Basically, I am worry about every what-if there is out there in regards to this procedure.

There, though not as strong as the others, is fear that creeps up on me every once in a while.  I am scared of surgery.  Flat out scared.  The only surgeries I have had are my Tubal Ligation (which by-the-way was a HUGE mistake) and getting my wisdom teeth out.  Neither of which were very invasive surgeries.  Small incisions, minimal pain.  Tubal reversal, however, is an invasive surgery.  I will have an incision anywhere from 1"-4" and will require several weeks of recovery time after.  I do not like general anesthesia and am scared of the complications that could arise from it.  I am scared that I will back out at the last minute because of my concerns and worries.  I am terrified that I will not be able to get pregnant and will dive into a deep depression because of it.  I am scared.

But despite all the bad, the good still far outweigh.  I will get this done.  I will be okay.  I will push through the fear and worry and focus on the excitement!

If you know of anyone that has had a tubal ligation (tubes tied) and now regrets it, please send them to this wonderful, informative, supportive group of ladies.  They are Fit to be Untied.

1 comment:

  1. Hey there! I am on the fit to be untied board. Congrats on your date!! Let me know if you want to read my blog. I would have to put your address in it.



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