Monday, June 8, 2009

Yet another update

I went to the doc this morning.  He did an exam and said that it doesn't look like I will have to have a D & C, so I am glad about that.

I still don't know what the results of my blood test for today is.  The doctor is supposed to call when he gets the results of those in.

On another note, the doctor decided that, on top of what I am already going through, he needed to tell me that when I had my last pap done, that they found abnormal cells and I am going to need to have a biopsy done so that they can figure out what is wrong.  He said it is not a rush because they need to wait until I stopped bleeding to be able to do the biopsy.  

Well, why couldn't you have just kept your damn mouth shut and let MY regular midwife call me later on and tell me about that?  Why not give me time to get over the loss I am going through before dumping this on me?

My midwife just told me we would wait until the miscarriage is done and then schedule it.  Not to worry about it now.

I am not feeling good.  

I feel defeated.  

I feel like everything is fucking up left and right.  

I feel like I am drowning.  

I really feel like just giving up.  

I feel like there is some force out there that is getting some kind of sick pleasure out of the suffering we have been dealt.  

I feel it is not fair.  

It is not fair that my drug-addicted loser of an ex-husband gets his loser, drug-addicted girlfriend pregnant and you know what happens.....NOTHING.....she is still pregnant.  Look at me.  I have been taking care of myself, cutting down on sodas, cutting down on smoking, taking prenatal vitamins, eating properly, etc, etc, etc.....and I lose my baby. 

HOW IN THE HELL IS THAT FAIR?  

WHY DO THE ONES THAT DO NOT WANT THE BABIES GET PREGNANT AND THE ONES THAT DO WANT THE BABIES TRY AND CAN'T???

I am fed up.  I'm done keeping my hopes up that things are going to turn out good and having them crushed.  I always try and see the good in things, but it is getting harder and harder.  It is hard to see the good among all the shit.  Right now, today, all I see is SHIT. 

3 comments:

  1. Oh Jen, I am so sorry you're going through such a rough time now. I agree it wasn't right for the doctor to tell you then and there. I am sure they had their reasons but take comfort in the fact that they aren't in a rush to do the biopsy.

    As for your ex-husband, I don't know the whole story obviously but I'm sure it does seem unfair to you. Unfortunately, God's ways are not our ways...I'm constantly reminding myself of this. I hope that you can just trust that this will pass and good things will come your way. I am praying lots for you! I know that God has a wonderful plan!

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  2. I know exactly how you feel. Ranting and Raving seemed to be a constant for me after this third loss. (Well internal ranting..ack) I would love to tell you it gets better.... but the pain and sadness just becomes more manageable with time. Hopefully we will both soon have a preggo belly to wrap our arms around....while still remembering our angel babaes....If you need to talk I am here..

    Heather (ftbu)

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  3. Hi, I just wanted to check in...I've been thinking about you lots today hoping you are feeling better. Prayers are with you!

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