Thursday, May 7, 2009

Writer's Workshop: I WANT A BABY!!

It's Thursday!!! Time for an assignment from Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin' It.

The Prompts:

1.) Create a video for your blog (vlog) and participate in Tim's "vlogemotions" by talking about an emotion you've felt this week. You can link up here AND link up at Tim's place at Fort Thompson on Thursday. That's right...you have my permission to double dip.

2.) Do you want a baby?

3.) Who got in big trouble this week?

4.) Write a poem for your mother.

5.) Time for a trip? Where are you headed this summer?...Or where would you go if you COULD.


I am choosing to do number 2 as this has started to consume a large chunk of my thoughts over the past month.

Yes, I do want a baby.  Yes we are trying to make a baby.

Has it been easy? NO.  

In order to even get to the point where making a baby was even possible, I had to get surgery.  I had to reverse a HORRIBLE decision I made over 5 years ago.  The decision was to have my tubes tied. 

I am now whole again.  There is a *chance* that we will be able to conceive.  There is also a *chance* that it will never happen.

This last month did not work out.  I prayed and prayed to God for his will in my life and that if I was meant to get pregnant, then I would rejoice in it.  BUT the ugly witch showed her nasty little face and we are now on to the next month.

Trying to conceive is a completely new concept for me.  Both of my biological children were "oops" babies.  Not planned at all.  Both of my husband's biological children are also "oops" babies.  This is the first time either of us are actually TRYING to get pregnant.

I have been charting, paying close attention to symptoms, and doing the aforementioned praying.  

I have been stressed and worried.  Stressed from everyday life on top of trying to conceive, worried because I am now at a higher risk of an ectopic pregnancy because my tubes have now been worked on twice.  

I am terrified that I will get pregnant and only find out that the baby is in my tube and that I will lose the baby and my tube.  

I had a horrible dream last night that I was pregnant, with twins, and found out that each was ectopic in each of my tubes and that I had to have surgery to remove both babies and both tubes.  I woke up in tears.  Now I realize that it is only a dream, but this is my reality.  There is a chance this will happen.  Maybe not to that extreme, but it might still happen.

ok. let's move on.

I am trying to relax.  I am trying to just enjoy my "alone" time with my husband.  I am trying to forget completely that we are trying for a baby.

Is it working?  That is a great BIG, FAT NO!!!!

I found out after my surgery that I have a uterus that is tilted backwards.  For those of you that don't know what this means, it basically means that after "fun time" I have to put pillows under my ass and stay there like that for at least 30 minutes.  The longer I stay like that, the better.  It means that on top of the difficulty from having my tubed tied and then untied I now have to worry about whether my hubby's contributions are making it to the correct place.

This fact makes it almost impossible to forget about trying to conceive.  

I feel like I am going to end up going CRAZY by the time this is all over with.  I find myself reading way too much into things.  Every little twinge and I get worried.  Every little thing gets me worked up.

If I don't get pregnant soon, I have a feeling my husband will have to visit me in the loony bin for conjugal visits.  

So, to end this post, yes I want a baby.  I want a baby more than I have wanted anything in this world.  I LOVE being pregnant.  I love having children.  I want a big family.

I want a "yours, mine, and ours".  We have the yours and mine covered, we just need the ours.

I want it now.

Here is a funny little video that cracks me up every time I see it!  Hope you enjoy it too!


6 comments:

  1. It took me 10mths the first time and 12mths the 2nd time and yes I am not gonna lie it sucks after a few months of trying and being disapointed it kinda looses the fun.

    I also have a tilted uterus so this may be why it took so long for me to get preggo, who knew it could be so hard, I also know many oops kids.

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  2. Can't imagine what you're going through but I hope you get everything your heart desires. All in due time.

    GOOD LUCK. NOW YOU'LL HAVE A HOST OF READERS PULLING FOR YOU.

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  3. Good luck on this journey. I hope it all works out for yall.

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  4. It is very hard to "forget" and "relax" when you are really trying like this, isn't it? I hope it works out for you guys.

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  5. Hi Jenn, I wanted to stop in and thank you for becoming my first ever blog 'follower'...I feel so important. That was sweet. I'll be following you too to se how you are coming along on your quest. I share that pain/excitement/sorrow/frustration/thrills/chills/spills that all come with TTC. You'll be in my prayers for sure!

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  6. I wish you luck. I do hope it happens for you.

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