No Squinting required

Here is my test(s) from this morning.  You don't have to squint anymore to see the second line!!

The first one I did wasn't dark at all.  I don't know what went wrong.  The second one (which is a different brand) was darker.  (first is on top, second on bottom)

Better

Well, I am feeling a bit better today than I have been since getting that first BFP (big fat positive).  I am not quite as worried.

My monthly visitor is officially MIA, which is a relief since now I know that those were not false positives I was getting!

I feel better about handing my worries over to God and letting his will be done.  I know that God will not bring me to something without bringing me out of it.  So I am trusting in HIM.

On another note,  I already have a bump.  Can you believe it??  I am 4 weeks TODAY and this bump has been getting a little bigger every day for the last few days.  It is not all in my head either.  My husband has noticed it.  I have pictures to prove it. 

Oh, and these pictures are also to show you why I was so dumbfounded about my midwife's declaration that I needed to lose 10 pounds.

   

   

Now that you have seen what I look like.....do you see where I'm overweight?

If you look at those pics you can tell that I carry most of my weight in my ass, boobs, and my thighs (well you can't really see my thighs, but the weight is there).

I do not look FAT.  I am not FAT.  

Now you know.

Is this what it is going to be like??

Am I going to be a hormonal bitch for 9 months?

Are my favorite foods going to make me want to barf for the next 9 months?

Am I going to worry this entire time?

Is every little twinge of pain going to send shivers of panic down my spine?

Are animals barfing on Futurama going to make me feel like barfing again?

Am I going to calm down enough to get some sleep?  Or will I end up dying from exhaustion because I cannot get my mind to shut off at night?

How am I EVER going to make it through the next few weeks?

I think I might go crazy in the 2 weeks before the ultrasound to make sure baby is ok.  Every little pain I have makes me start to panic and think that something is wrong.  

UGGGGGGGG.......

I never had to deal with all this extra worry with my other pregnancies.  I don't know how to handle it.  I'm not a worrier by nature, but I do not want to lose this baby, a tube, or my life. 

We need prayer.  BIG TIME.  The next two weeks are going to be super stressful for me and my husband.  We are going to be on pins and needles until we hear that heartbeat and see that the baby is indeed safe in my uterus.   Pray for our baby.  Pray that he/she will be able to have the opportunity to grow safely and grow healthy where he/she is supposed to for the next 9 months.  Pray for our sanity.

Update on the positive!

Well, I took another test this morning and it was darker than it was on Wednesday!  I think this is it!!!  Here is a pic of todays test!

Can you see it????  It is darker!!!

Writer's Workshop: HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!

Thursday!  You know what that means!!!!  Weekly writer's workshop from Mama Kat.

Now, I feel extra special this week, since MY BLOG POST HERE inspired one of the prompts!  Thanks to Mama Kat for the shout out!  

Here are this weeks prompts:

1.) What is your life's anthem? You know...that song that is ALWAYS in your head. The one you'd go to sing first if someone told you to sing a song right NOW. What is it and what does it mean to you?
(inspired by Tattooed Minivan Mom)
2.) We love telemarketers don't we!?! Describe a memorable experience you had with one.
(inspired by Literal Dan
3.) How much does focusing on weight affect your daily life?
(inspired by Musings Of A Blond Mom)
4.) Describe in what ways you expect too much from your significant other. Do they deserve an apology?
(inspired by Carty Party Of Three) 

5.) List ten things that make you HAPPY.
(inspired by our irritation at our own complaining from last weeks "Sick Of" posts.)

6.) Ok I was going to end it with five, but Laina just got out of bed as I was finishing this post and I SWEAR she is sleep walking. It's creepy. I keep asking her what she is doing and she's staring at me...but not directly at me...kind of just a centimeter to the left of my head. I KNEW she was a sleep walker. I just knew it. SO! Share a sleep walking story of your own!! (inspired by my scary four year old)

I am going to do the list of things that make me happy!!!

1)  My children.  They are the light of my life.  I love every moment spent with them.

2)  My husband.  He is my soul mate and I am so happy and blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life in his arms.

3)  My family.  I wouldn't be where I am today without their love and support.  I love spending time with them.  It is always a happy time.

4) Pepsi.  Need I say more??

5)  My online support network over at Fit to be Untied.  Those ladies rock and I always find something over there that just makes me smile!

6)  That I have had my surgery and am all put back together again.  Did that just sound like Humpty Dumpty?

7)  That I am starting to feel better physically than I have in years!  It is amazing how good I feel now!  That for sure makes me happy!

8) Intimate texting and IM'ing my husband.  Keeps a spark going!! And keeps the kids from getting grossed out by our comments to each other!

9)  Chocolate.

10) THIS!!!!  And yes you do have to click on the link to see this last BIG thing that makes me happy!!

Now you all get yourselves over to Mama Kat's blog and get to writing!

Crying some

Well, I have been a little weepy today because I took a test this morning and got a FAINT positive.  

I am hoping that the faint will turn darker in a few days.  

I am hoping that my YEARS of waiting are at an end.

Here is a pic of it.  I'm warning you when I say it is faint, I mean it.  BUT it is there and the pictures really do not do it justice at all!

Here's hoping!!!!!

UPDATE:  Here is a pic that a friend of mine adjusted the contrast and brightness on.  Tell me what you think:  

Blah day

Have you ever just had one of those days that you wish would have never happened?

Today was one of those days.  

I had my annual "womanly" exam, which in itself is not a pleasant experience.  What made this bad was what went on AFTER I was done being poked and generally made uncomfortable.

After the exam, I went into my midwife's office and talked with her about the importance of taking my prenatal vitamins since I am trying to get pregnant (which I am doing DAILY), laying off the sodas (which I will start when I get 2 lines), and getting in for an ultrasound at 5-6 weeks (when I get a positive test).  Then she looks at my chart goes down to the weight section, gets out this little chart, looks up my BMI and proceeds to tell me that I am overweight.  

WTF???

I was under the impression from many other docs that my "healthy", "ideal" weight for my height of 5'  10 1/2" is between 165-170 pounds.  I am currently at 180 according to the scale at the doctor's office.  

Now since when is 10 pounds over "ideal" weight considered "overweight"???

Can someone tell me?

No.  I didn't think so.

AND I have lost 15 pounds in the last 6 months and am actually ok with my weight at this current moment. 

I mean, come on, I'm trying to get pregnant here.  You know....where the goal is to GAIN weight.  

That was just a major blow to my self-esteem.  I did not consider myself "overweight".  I had some pounds that ideally I would have liked to shed, but I wasn't obsessed with losing the last 10 stubborn pounds.

Hubby is going to have to do some major boosting of my self-esteem today.  But he is usually pretty damn good at doing that!  He always makes me feel beautiful!

This is what I feel like:  

Writer's Workshop:loving, memorial weekend, sick of, cute outfit, ekkkk too busy

It's that time of the week again.  Writer's workshop from Mama Kat.  You know I LOVE to do these!!  This week I had a hard time choosing which prompt to do, so I'm going to do them all!!!

Here they are:

1.) Share a love letter.
2.) Memorial Day Weekend plans?? Do share!
3.) List ten things you are currently sick of.
(inspired by Jenny)
4.) Put an outfit together using pictures you found online and show us what you'd LIKE to be wearing today. 
(inspired by Lace)
5.) What have you been too busy to pay attention to? 
(inspired by Chris)

1) Share a love letter.

Well, I do not remember the last time I received an actual love letter, but I can say the last thing I received that was even close to a love letter was a comment on Myspace from my husband.  This is what he said:  I love you more today than I loved you yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tommorrow!!!

Isn't that just the sweetest???

2)  Memorial Day Weekend plans?? Do share!

Going to guilt my husband into putting our pool up so that I can work on my tan.  Go over to my in laws for some family time with relatives that are coming into town.  Eat too much.  Get a sunburn.  Probably have one of my mother-in-law's STOUT margaritas (She makes them after she's already been drinking for a few hours and is not chinchy with the booze!!)!!!

3)List ten things you are currently sick of.

~ The lack of good TV on during the day.  Why have 200 channels if there isn't shit on. 

~ The already sweltering heat we seem to be experiencing.  

~ The clutter in my house.

~ My loser asshole of a ex-husband.  He needs to disappear. FOREVER.

~ My husbands bitch ex-wife.  We told her about my surgery to be able to get pregnant and what does she do?  She gets pregnant a few weeks after that.  Think she is jealous? Think she wants to steal our thunder?  Yes. I certainly do. Stupid Bitch.

~ Bills.  need I say more?

~ The college. They make it so difficult to get the degree I need.  Why can't they make it simpler. (and I'm not talking about anything to do with classes, just the business part of it)

~ That every time I sit down on the computer I have to pee.

~ That I do not magically have my house cleaned everyday.  Who do I have to kill to get that done?

~ Did I already say the clutter in my house?  I guess I just need to get off my bahookey and get it gone through and organized!

4)  Put an outfit together using pictures you found online and show us what you'd like to be wearing today.

Here we go:

   

Let's just say that I want to be wearing maternity clothes. Period.

5)  What have you been too busy to pay attention to?

I have been busy to pay attention to my hairy legs.  I have forgotten to shave my legs for about a week.  Guess I will be shaving the fur tonight!!!  Now that I noticed how bad they really are!  I bet I could start a fire, or call all the grasshoppers within 100 miles of here, if I rubbed them together! 

To join in the madness visit Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin' It.

My first ever blog award!!!!!

I received my very first EVER blog award!!!  Trudy over at Third Times a Charm! gave it to me and I am honored to receive it!!!  Here it is:

Now here are the rules of this cute little award:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. 

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. (Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award).

Find at least one, if not all, that sparks some interest and check them out, because it's always good to broaden your horizons. 

Here is a list of the blogs that I visit often and think that YOU should also check out!  You won't be sorry!  In no particular order:

1.  A Giveaway Addicted Mommy

I love to visit this blog and see what she is reviewing and giving away!!  She finds the neatest things!!  

2.  Cake Wrecks

This is exactly what you think it is.  Professional cakes gone wrong!!  This is a wonderful blog that showcases horrible cakes with some VERY funny stories and banter to go along with the wreck-iness!

3.   Girly Do's by Jenn

Jenn has some great hairstyles on her site and shows step-by-step how to do it.  I love this blog because my little girl likes some funky hairstyles and this gives me some great ideas to try out!

4.  His Boys Can Swim!

This is a secret pregnancy blog for a couple that call them selves Tarzan and Jane.  I love to read of their journey through pregnancy as first time parents.  Takes me back 11 years to my first pregnancy!  There are sweet posts, funny posts, and just flat out lovely posts there!  

5.  Kaleigh's Story

This is a heartbreaking and inspiring blog about a one pound miracle baby.  I do not want to go into a lot of detail because I could write a novel about this blog.  The best thing I can say is to go check it out for yourself.  You will not come away from that blog without being changed.  A truly heartbreaking story.

6.   Life With a Little One and More

Jenners is simply hilarious!  I love to go to her blog for a good laugh.  Some great bloggy games there too!!

7.   Mama's Losin' It

What can I say about Mama Kat?  She is funny, imaginative, and brutally honest!  I love to read her *almost* daily blog posts!  I also LOVE to do her weekly writing prompts!  Helps to get my creative juices flowing!

8.  My Charming Kids

I have just recently found this blog.  I am already loving doing the Not Me! Mondays she sponsors weekly!  So much fun!

9.   The Scattered Mind of a Tattooed Minivan Mom

This blog has truly helped me to realize that my blog is exactly that--MY BLOG.  When i first started blogging I censored myself.  I made sure I wasn't dropping and F-bombs or a S-bomb on the blogging world.  BUT I realized that by doing that, I wasn't being ME.  I sure swear. Sometimes it is the only way I can express my emotion.  I am now ME and no one else here in blog land thanks to TMVM!!!  A great read!

10.   Third Times a Charm!

I came across Trudy's blog through a writer's workshop and felt an instant connection with her.  Seems like we are both going through the same (kind-of) trying to conceive journey.  That alone links us and is allowing us to go insane in each other's cyber company!  I know that she completely understands what I'm going through, as I understand what she is going through!

11.   We found Jaryd, Jacob, and Kailyn

This is my IRL (in real life) aunt and uncle's adoption blog.  I followed daily while they were in Ukraine waiting for their little blessing to be given to them and was with them (online of course) as they made the decision to adopt not just one child, but THREE, all siblings.  I still check in on their blog to see how the adjustment is going since they have been home with my three new cousins!

12.  Wild ARS Chase

I found this blog thanks to a guest post on Jenners blog and thought he (that's right HE) was very funny!  One of the only men on my ever expanding blog roll!  Check it out.

*Note:  The rest of these are not going to be linked but are some of my favorite blogs because they are women just like me.  These women have all either had or will be having a tubal reversal and I do not want to link up their blogs without their permission.  These are all personal, revealing blogs and I wanted to make sure they were recognized as my favorites without betraying their privacy.*

13.  Trusting God

I have become close to Mrs. T throughout this journey.  I was there as she went to Mexico for her reversal and with her and supporting her as her husband did a complete 180 about having more children.  I am with her now as she is patiently waiting on God's timing for another blessing to be added to her family.

14.  Nightmare Came True/At the Hands of the Devil

This lovely lady has been to hell and back at the hands of a doctor who thought he was God and could make a decision that wasn't his to make.  This evil doctor tied my lovely friend's tubes without her consent and she is now waiting patiently for her date for her reversal to come up in June!  I was, and still am, shocked that a doctor would actually do this to a person.  My heart breaks for her and rejoices that she has seen the positive in her situation and has a wonderful outlook on life!  

15.  Bonnie's Passion

This is a truly magnificent lady with a heart of gold!  I have loved getting to know her and hear her updates.  Her son is now a Marine and I watched her blog as she went through all the emotions and excitement as her son went through boot camp.  

Thank you again Trudy for my lovely award!!!  

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Well, I think this week has not been boring. I have not spent an insane amount of time surfing the Internet avoiding doing any sort of deep cleaning. Not me!

I did not give one of my professors horrible review this semester. I did not tell the higher ups that he was the worst professor I have ever had. I did not let them know he was rude and vindictive. I did not tell them that he started grading my papers in ridiculous ways after I called his boss and got him in trouble. I am not hoping that he gets fired for his behavior. Not me!

I did not eat a third of a bag of cheese popcorn today without realizing it. Not me!

None of this was me. Never. Not me!

Writer's Workshop: Tomorrow Is A New Day

It's Thursday!!! That's right, it's time for the weekly writers workshop courtesy of Mama Kat.

The prompts:

1.) Define goodness...joy...sorrow...and anger using pictures you've taken.

2.) Tomorrow I will do it differently. Here's how...

3.)Describe a 'sound' from your childhood. What was it? When did you hear it? What does it bring to mind?

4.) I remember when...

5.) Right now is the best time to start. What's your first step?

I am going to do number 2.  Tomorrow I will do it differently.  Here's how.....

Tomorrow I will do it differently.  I will not stress about my school work.  Here's how.....the semester is over and I have three months off!!!  Got you there didn't I?

Tomorrow I will do it differently.  I will not neglect the housework as I have for the past 5 months.  Here's how......see the above post.  THAT will not be taking up the majority of my time, so I will be able to clean this mess.  That's how.

Tomorrow I will do it differently.  I will attack my husband as soon as the kids are in bed.  Here's how......well, let's not get into that one.  I want to keep my blog at least PG-13 here, not X-rated.  Needless to say, it is BABY MAKING TIME!!!!  And I am going to be proactive and come on to him instead of the other way around. If you get my drift here.....

Tomorrow I will do it differently.  I will make sure the hamster has a clean home.  Here's how.....the kids will clean the cage.  Period.  I will make them do it, so in a way, I am making sure she has a clean home.  I know, I know, I am horrible.  But taking care of a pet is good for them.  Teaches them responsibility.  That's what I'm telling myself and no one can tell me any different.

Tomorrow I will do it differently.  I will not sleep until 9 in the morning.  Here's how......I have no clue.  I guess that would involve going to bed before midnight.  I don't see that happening.  Oh, well.  I guess 9 am is better than noon.  

Well, that is all my brain can think of.  I will leave you with this video of the cutest little red-headed girl singing "Tomorrow"!  She starts out quiet, but wait for it....it is cute!

First NOT ME!! Monday!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I have seen a few of you out there in blog land doing this Not Me Monday and thought that maybe I will join in!!!

I certainly did not get up this morning and get on the computer instead of getting in the shower and cleaning my stinking self. And I have not been on the computer for an hour. Not me!

I was not the one that finished off a bag of chips last week. That was someone else. Not me!

I am not the one that has ignored the hamster cage that has needed cleaning for the last week and a half. Never. Not me!

I have not been obsessed with pregnancy the past month and a half. I could never do that. Not me!

I did not cry when my period started last weekend. I am not so childish that I cry when I don't get what I want. Not me!

I am not thinking of grabbing all the kid's Easter candy and eating it all right now. I would never take my kid's candy and eat it. I have also not done that in the past. Not me!

I have not gained 30 pounds in the last 3 years. I have not gone up three pant sizes either. I am not the one that could care less that my ass has increased in size. Not me!

I will not put off my finals for my classes until the last minute and get so stressed I start snapping at my family. Not me!

Writer's Workshop: I WANT A BABY!!

It's Thursday!!! Time for an assignment from Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin' It.

The Prompts:

1.) Create a video for your blog (vlog) and participate in Tim's "vlogemotions" by talking about an emotion you've felt this week. You can link up here AND link up at Tim's place at Fort Thompson on Thursday. That's right...you have my permission to double dip.

2.) Do you want a baby?

3.) Who got in big trouble this week?

4.) Write a poem for your mother.

5.) Time for a trip? Where are you headed this summer?...Or where would you go if you COULD.

I am choosing to do number 2 as this has started to consume a large chunk of my thoughts over the past month.

Yes, I do want a baby.  Yes we are trying to make a baby.

Has it been easy? NO.  

In order to even get to the point where making a baby was even possible, I had to get surgery.  I had to reverse a HORRIBLE decision I made over 5 years ago.  The decision was to have my tubes tied. 

I am now whole again.  There is a *chance* that we will be able to conceive.  There is also a *chance* that it will never happen.

This last month did not work out.  I prayed and prayed to God for his will in my life and that if I was meant to get pregnant, then I would rejoice in it.  BUT the ugly witch showed her nasty little face and we are now on to the next month.

Trying to conceive is a completely new concept for me.  Both of my biological children were "oops" babies.  Not planned at all.  Both of my husband's biological children are also "oops" babies.  This is the first time either of us are actually TRYING to get pregnant.

I have been charting, paying close attention to symptoms, and doing the aforementioned praying.  

I have been stressed and worried.  Stressed from everyday life on top of trying to conceive, worried because I am now at a higher risk of an ectopic pregnancy because my tubes have now been worked on twice.  

I am terrified that I will get pregnant and only find out that the baby is in my tube and that I will lose the baby and my tube.  

I had a horrible dream last night that I was pregnant, with twins, and found out that each was ectopic in each of my tubes and that I had to have surgery to remove both babies and both tubes.  I woke up in tears.  Now I realize that it is only a dream, but this is my reality.  There is a chance this will happen.  Maybe not to that extreme, but it might still happen.

ok. let's move on.

I am trying to relax.  I am trying to just enjoy my "alone" time with my husband.  I am trying to forget completely that we are trying for a baby.

Is it working?  That is a great BIG, FAT NO!!!!

I found out after my surgery that I have a uterus that is tilted backwards.  For those of you that don't know what this means, it basically means that after "fun time" I have to put pillows under my ass and stay there like that for at least 30 minutes.  The longer I stay like that, the better.  It means that on top of the difficulty from having my tubed tied and then untied I now have to worry about whether my hubby's contributions are making it to the correct place.

This fact makes it almost impossible to forget about trying to conceive.  

I feel like I am going to end up going CRAZY by the time this is all over with.  I find myself reading way too much into things.  Every little twinge and I get worried.  Every little thing gets me worked up.

If I don't get pregnant soon, I have a feeling my husband will have to visit me in the loony bin for conjugal visits.  

So, to end this post, yes I want a baby.  I want a baby more than I have wanted anything in this world.  I LOVE being pregnant.  I love having children.  I want a big family.

I want a "yours, mine, and ours".  We have the yours and mine covered, we just need the ours.

I want it now.

Here is a funny little video that cracks me up every time I see it!  Hope you enjoy it too!